beachberry @ : we'll pretend that it meant something so much more.
It's a sad state of affairs.
When you don't know what your life means anymore,
or if you knew what it meant to begin with ever
and when you wonder what you're doing when you occupy yourself with school and friends and sports and you don't know what you're doing it for. Am I having fun? Or am I distracting myself from the fact that I am a hollow, empty human being?
why am I thinking this, exactly?
what the fuck am I doing with my life? what should I be doing?
I can't define myself. I don't know who I am. I'm lost. I feel like I'm living a charade.
Everyone else has their place. Definite. Sometimes I don't even know if I mean anything to anyone besides myself. I don't know if I love myself or I love who I want me to be. It's like I paint a picture of the ideal me in my head. And pretend it's who I am.
I don't know where this is going. But I'm being an emo fuck and my cd player is making weird scary noises instead of playing music.
I tried to talk to my mom about it this afternoon but I ended up just crying to her incoherently. She didn't get what I was trying to say, she tried to console me but it wasn't what I was upset about. Its not her fault I have no eloquence. I can't ever say what I mean. Not now either.
I don't know what my problem is, maybe I should go cry in a bag of money. I live in white suburbia and I need to realize that. Maybe I'm feeling worthless and infintesimal because that's exactly what I am and I should get used to it. There 76543567890 zillion people in the world and most of them have worse problems than me. They're not vague shitty problems either. And it makes me feel worse that I'm wallowing around being melancholy.
No one comment. This is the stupidest thing I've ever read. I hate my life and I hate how I pretend reading this is worth any of your time. Why else would I post it really? "Hey guys please tell me how great I am and that I'm not a waste of life"
Don't say anything like that, because hearing it actually doesn't make me feel better. I don't know what would, but it wouldn't be that.
I wrote that last night. And then exploded in school today. I'm sorry everyone, for worrying you and acting like my problems are worth making a scene over. I just feel so...bad. I'm just unhappy for lack of a better word.
My mom thought maybe I should talk to Mr. Dillon, but I don't want him to think I'm a freak. So I dunno. It seems like a good idea but I dunno, maybe it would be better to talk about it with someone I don't know at all, or just let it go and hope it passes. I don't know. I've never felt this bad before and it's just been building up I guess. And it makes me feel worse that I have no reason for it, last time I felt depressed it was because I broke up with Luke. That's a reason, that's something people can understand.
This... I don't even know what it is. And half the free world saw me have a breakdown today 9th and with their good intentions, asked me what was wrong...and I just didn't know how to tell them without saying something retarded like "everything" or "I hate my life"
I especially hated it when Marta saw me... She's got it so together, she undoubtedly thought I was being an ass. Even though she was nice and supportive she was probably thinking I need to calm down and stop being a drama queen.
And if Kaz IMs me one more time I'll kick him so hard his head will spin.
This is like my new favorite song. I think The Postal Service is my favorite band right now. Give Up
is just a great album. Anyway. I think I'm done being emo.